ALL A TWITTER...

There are rumors twittering in that referral should be hitting the US of A on Tuesday! This is so exciting....I really must say. Once I get C.O.N.F.I.R.M.A.T.I.O.N.... of actual referrals, let's just say I will be calling the chick who is clueless and answering the phone for my agency. Hopefully this time she has a back-up plan. I have my suspicions that she is the daughter of the owner. Heck, they have eight kids. One of them should be competent enough to open the package and and let me know who my Tate is.

Funny thing is happening now. Every time I call people, they either answer the phone immediately or call me back. I kind of am scared to call anywhere in fear that I will cause some physical injury while trying to answer my call. It does warm my heart that so many people showing so much love for Tate and I. Or maybe it is just for TATE???

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Almost four years ago I submitted my application and FEES to my agency. At the time, the agency had a great reputation so I felt good going with them. Little did I know that the "good reputation" was with the previous owners and now there was new ownership of the agency. With the previous owners there was a China coordinator that knew what she was doing. A few months into the process, the all knowing China coordinator decided to split from the agency and the new owners of the agency decided to take over. Sadly, this agency has been a nightmare for me and tons of others who are using them

I have always tried to maintain a positive spin on this blog and have decided not to address the specifics concerning my frustrations with said agency. Single words I would use to sum up my frustrations, CLUELESS is one of them. Today, more words are needed.

I am so close to meeting my Tate that I can feel her in my heart. I am so ready to paper meet my gal. I want to know who she is, where she is hanging, and how old. SO close to getting this information, I can feel her sweet breath on my cheek. Unlike other agencies that are contacting their people to verify correct information when the referrals are in hand, I called my agency to make sure all was in order for me. Correct phone number and email address. This is when I found out that the agency owner, THE ONE to receive the referrals and pass on to me and others, is out of town until April 3. Answering the phone is someone who is doing exactly that "answering the phone". No information other than "the owners are out of town and will be back on April 3". I asked if there was a back up plan when referrals come out, she said "I understand your frustration"... HOLY crap, a little high school psychology thrown into this. No back up plan. I guess after almost 3 years and one month, I can wait until the owners who have my fees already get back from a vacation.

Bitter? YES. Frustrated? YES. Will I sit back and take this without reaction? NO.

OHMYHECK***

I'm one of "THOSE". I am joining the ranks with the other RQ stalkers. You know "the ones" who use the refresh button incessantly. Searching and gleaming any word written on the site that will aid in the closure for this wait for Tate. Yep, that would be me.

So far the glimmer of hope is the "my agency says that there is matching starting." How soon after the rumored matching before referrals are flying???

*** The oh my heck, is a Utah slang. Here in Utah people just do not swear. Instead we have come up with our own words for legal swearing.... Oh my heck is one of them. Also Oh MY GOSH and Freakin' (thanks to Napoleon Dynamite this is more universal). Some might not realize that Napoleon Dynamite was a flick put on by a group of BYU (or known around here as God's University) students. Written, directed, acted by students or alumni. I happily state that I did not go to BYU but to a major heathen school just north of BYU called University of Utah.

IT IS NOW

Monday morning in Beijing. Hopefully the CCAA is busy matching babies with families. The best secret pal IN THE WORLD gave me this frame while doing the March secret pal swap. The minute I saw it I decided that this is where I will frame the first picture of Tate. The frame is waiting to handle the most precious picture ever!

The close-up of what the frame saying....

SHOWER

This is the first shower that will be given for me (TATE). This shower was done before the referral arrives and in my arms. This was the best time for my sister, Kelly to do it. So she did it for family on my mom's side. My cousin will host a shower after Tate is here on my dad's side.

IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS

My sister Kelly, is one amazing party giver. She is famous in her Florida neighborhood as "the one to give the best parties". She truly lived up to her reputation for sure!

The table before anyone sat down and touched a thing....

How each place settling looked up close.

This is one of the center pieces. There was a lot of thought put into this from one of my adult nieces, Cute Stuff. She placed the branches in a square in the middle of a round table to represet the coins.

After I got home I decided that I wanted to show the loving details.


As party favors each place setting had one of these lady bug boxes with hand dipped by my dad chocolate fortune cookies and chopsticks. My sister made this darling chopstick holders so each guest could have their very own chopsticks to go.


At each place were these hand made place cards. Story has it that when Cute Stuff and Kelly were making these at my mom's house, there were a lot of tears happening around the work table. How touching it was that I was the MOM on this card and on the back was Tate (above).We were asked to find our place card and sit down. I just could not find my name (Lisa) anywhere and asked my sister where I was to sit. She took me over to the spot that said MOM and said that this MOM was ME!!! Heck, I about got teary too.

My sister's daughter Amanda (not her pet name) was in Florida and could not make it for this shower. She wanted to be a part of the shower and made like a hundred of these lady bugs. She also was the one to find the Chinese restaurant via the "net". She was not there in body but most definitly there in ladybug spirit!

SHOWER

Just typing this brings huge tears to my eyes. I was blown away by the thoughtfulness and love that was put into this shower for me. My sister Kelly, is a full-time college student, a mom, wife and works. The time she took away from her home on a spring break from the USF was more than any gift she could have given me. On top of the time, she put so much thought and details into throwing me the most lovely shower. EACH.AND.EVERY. thing she did was done in love.

My only regret was that I did not get a picture of myself with her at this shower.

On the menu was Egg drop soup, cream cheese wontons, beef broccoli, lemon chicken, chicken cashew, ham fried rice, sweet and sour pork and cake.

Here are the cousins.... and cousin-in-laws. Also my Aunt and Mom were able to attend.

Just look how gorgeous the walls are. Here you have Twinkle Toes in the green and CIL Norma.

Cousins Dora holding her Granddaughter Sunny, Julie and daughter Gracie. Julie was 9 plus months pregnant and gave birth to a girl Sonja Kate on my birthday March 17th! So cool.

My sweet SIL Michelle mother to my nieces Twinkle Toes (green) and Sparkle.

The only one who you have not been introduced to is my oldest niece Beautiful who is in the far left corner in the blue. I have special names for all my nieces and nephews and often call them these names in the real world not just blogland.

I am kind of bummed that I did not get very many pictures but I worried the restaurant was too dark for great picture taking.

GIFTS.....

Stash of stuff in the bags....




Because the restaurant was too dark for good pictures, I decided to show the bags before the unwrap.... This is in the unfinished Tate's Kingdom.....Notice the print on the wall??? I will blog about this another time.... real soon.




I could not believe how sweet and generous everyone was. It is so hard to buy a shower gift for a baby when all you know (assume) she will be a girl but not knowing the size or the season for clothes.

THE CAKE....

It is a well known fact around the family that I love me a Costco cake. My SIL, Michelle, is well aware of this fact. I have been known to drive 40 miles one directions to one of children's birthday because of the temptation of this Costco cake.... I think frosting is my favorite food right now...



This block of delectable delicious decadence is chocolate FROSTING, yellow cake and a strawberry cream center.







Michelle tried to personalize it especially for Tate transforming the BLOND princess for this Asian one. We had a laugh when we saw that princess' need to have curly hair and what is up with that black mouth???

The theme of the shower was all about China adoption so of course there were plenty of Ladybug sightings, including on the cake.

This was to represent when the stork is flying. It was so fun that Michelle was able to take a Costco cake and work within the confines to create this special cake.

CHINA FLAG. ASIAN PRINCESS. LADYBUG. STORK.

TONIGHT

In preparation for Tate's care package....



I start sleeping with this....

Super soft blanket from Julie and Tess and sweet snugly TY teddy bear.

TOO CUTE

Yesterday morning my dad woke up, looked at my mom and said "In two weeks we will be seeing the picture of our baby".... I love that he is so excited about this new granddaughter that he refers to her as "OUR BABY". Pretty heart warming CUTE!!

EDUCATION HOURS DONE....

Just finished my 10 hrs of education hours..... really enjoy most of it. Just have to mail out the printed certificates and the final check for my latest home study. I have made a decision that I will be doing my post adoption visits with another home study group. ENOUGH SAID.

What a amazing a thoughtful shower my sister gave me. I think there was about 30 people there all for a sit down Chinese dinner. I am working on getting the shower post together. Just need to collect some of the pictures....

I still have not finished Tate's Kingdom. ENOUGH SAID there also.

ALL THE WAY FROM FLORIDA.....

My sister... KELLY!!!

When she surprised us at Christmas time, she realized that our parents are aging. I guess when you live away from a situation, you are more aware of the changes that happen on a daily basis. In all of us kids minds we see our parents fun, vital and youthful. We are lucky that at age 74 (Mom) or 79 (Dad) they are healthy, vibrant, fun people. But still they are getting older. I am so glad that my sister can have the time and income to fly home more often.

It's Kelly time ... she is a real organized, clever and imaginative person.

All the way from Florida she has organized a baby shower for ME and TATE. She has put our sister-in-law, five nieces and our Mom on "task". Mom (Nana) was suppose to dip fortune cookies in chocolate. I guess my dad felt left out and decided to be the one to dip the fortune cookies. How cute is that?! He did such a great and delicious job, he ended up eating quite a bit of the cookies.... Yesterday more fortune cookies were bought and he will be dipping a lot more. Extras were bought so he will have the opportunity to nibble to his hearts content.

All the way from Florida, Kelly came for some sister time.... lunch and a movie. We dragged my dad with us. We went to see Slum dog Millionaire. I was so worried that Dad would not like this type of movie. He loves anything war and the typical guy movie. He actually really loved it. Word from Kelly was he even shed a tear or two at the end. I loved the movie... no tears however from me.

Tomorrow is the shower..... No worries.... I will be taking tons of pictures and sharing.

FLOORS DONE....

DONE DONE DONE.....

What was once a nightmare .......

Is now a DREAM......

Same corner of the dining room. The heat vent is missing because matching wooden ones that will close and open are being made.

I am now waiting for the floors to "cure" and will not be putting the furniture in the rooms until Monday or Tuesday. I bought a 8 x 10 wool rug for under the dining room table and chairs. That rug and the living room rug will have to wait for a few weeks.

BURNIG EYES....

I am huddled amongst the piles of "stuff" in the basement family room, trying to get as far away as possible from the fumes invading the main floor, due to the last and final coating of the hardwood floors. (whew... what a run on sentence that was!) Although I am buried under blankets sitting between the piles these fumes still have reached me.

In my mail today was the bill for my FINAL home study... also a reminder that I need to get my education hours done BEFORE the referral. So with total dedication, in earnest, I am reading, listening, think and doing the homework. I am really enjoying the new found knowledge which is making me more aware of what is yet to come. Sleeping plan? Feeding plan? PLANsssss???? The glare from my laptop is painful.

With fumes in my eyes I am cramming for the most important test in my life. I take comfort in knowing that there will be a huge learning curve... no pass or fail grades. I am sure, without a doubt I will be getting A's as well as F's during this life long time of learning with Tate. As long as my grade average is a B or normal... I will be good with that.

HISTORY MAKING.....

The wait for Tate has hit the monumental three year mark.

THREE YEARS....

thirty-six months.

I guess we are the first ever group to hit three year of waiting for our referrals.

Just hoping we don't hit 37 months before Tate makes her appearance.

RAW EMOTIONS.... UPDATED

UPDATED.....

I woke up this morning after getting 6 blissful hours of sleep (2 1/2 hours the night before) and knew what I needed to do. I do not thrive in unorganized mess. Piles of all the stuff that make up a living room and an well equipped dining room were every where. Piles of china, plates, crystal and stemware are on the kitchen island. NO WHERE to make something to eat. In Tate's Kingdom is wall to wall furniture. The front porch has the china cabinet and armour. The garage is full of the couch, chairs, dining room table. It snowed last night. Since the car was not in the garage, I got to clean off snow. The point???? These things weigh heavily on my over taxed emotions. Hence, I feel numb, scared, doubtful.

I will be spending the morning in TIFFANYLAND. Those who read Eliza Story before she went password protected know the cuteness of Eliza and now the snugly cuteness of the little prince Solomon. I just need to spend time away from these piles of stuff, noise... holding and snuggling baby and toddler.

Thank you so much for the positive comments and reassurance. I sometimes have to remind myself that the joys overshadow the fears.... I will take one day at a time.

*************************************************************************************

I seem to do my best thinking and writing my blog in my mind while driving alone in my car. Many post have been created in my mind, but few post actually make it on this blog. Today these feelings have once again been written in my mind, while driving. This time I am taking the time to put "pen to paper", so to speak. Please NO FLAMES.

I feel totally numb. I remember when M3 missed the cut off by one day, I was so emotional. Then other bloggy friends missed their referrals by one day. Once again I was emotional for them and hoped this would not me. Fast forward three years into this long wait. Here I sit with the comforting knowledge that without a doubt, I am NEXT, but somehow I feel no emotions about this. A numbness. Kind of like someone please pinch me, numbness.

I am not sure if this numbness is due to the fact I am scared to death. Scared of taking on another life to care for. Responsible for feeding clothing, nurturing another living soul. Scared that I will be doing this as a single OLDER momma. Not sure if this is hitting home right now because in thirteen days I will be turning one year older. Scared to take on a huge financial responsibility in such sketchy economical times.

I can recognize that I am scared to death. I am not feeling numbness on this emotion.

Doubt is another emotion that is alive and strong. Doubting that I will be the parent that Tate needs and deserves. Doubt that I will be able to cook, do laundry, clean the house. Will I be able to provide Tate the love of two parents?

Doubt... not a comforting emotion.

From the beginning of this wait I have thought of pulling out of the adoption line. Yet each and every time I think of life without this child, I would feel sick to my stomach. SICK. I am now thinking that in one month's time I will be seeing the face that is to be Tate. This time around... I have no emotions. Time just feels like it is standing still. Thirty days? Twenty-eight days??? Just not getting the butterflies from the joy.

So to sum up this post.... I am scared, doubtful, numb. Time seems like it is standing still.

WEDNESDAY IT ALL BEGINS

Sure not looking forward to the fine dust, loud noise, toxic smell. Just a four day sacrifice but oh the rewards that will be reaped. Gleaming, beautiful, high grade red oak floors. I love that Tate will have such smoothness to take her first steps in her new home.