Wednesday, March 07, 2007

EMOTIONS

I'm a kind of gal that you know exactly where you stand with me.... I cannot hide my emotions either joyful or dislike to anyone. What you see is definitely what you get!!!! So I am surprised with this feeling about myself.....

I never thought I was emotinally void..... I have always been able to express unconditional love towards others, however I find it difficult to recieve this same kind of love back. I think that perhaps life with all it's many twists and turns has slowly made me cautious with my emotions. So I have kind of put up a little armour of protection so that I would not get hurt totally.

At this point of this post, I am wondering where this is going.... As I am sure you are. I have just recently been together with others who have gotten their gals here in their arms. I see the joy that these new mommas have. I hear the stories. I see the faces. I see the Gotcha moments on other blogs and see the intensive emotion that is expressed. I just worry that I cannot handle such joy... such emotion. This raw emotions just frigthens me. Will I be able to handle this emotion. Do I want to feel so intensely for another. Am I just freaking out due to drug induced cold medications. Is it because in a few days fifty is breathing down my neck and I am looking at my mortality straight in the face. I have no answers to these questions. I think I just need to take a deep breath and hope that March blows by fast. That way I will have made it through a majorly bad cold, a majorly BIG birthday, and be one month closer to facing my raw emotional fears.

13 comments:

Stephanie said...

We all freak out during life changing moments, so don't be so hard on yourself. It only means your human. Anyway, you'll make it through, just like the women and men who went before you!
Stephanie
www.forksandchopsticks.wordpress.com

Doris & Dan said...

It is an unknown and that is what is scary (at least to me). I want to experience it but I know that my life will never be the same after. I am positive that the fear will dissipate and be replaced with joy. Until that moment though, I understand your fear of what it will be like and will one be able to handle it. Part of the journey!

Keep smilin!

Donna said...

Getting a child and facing 50 are both HUGE milestones! I'm sure you will adapt well to both of them. And don't worry so much about the 50 thing so much...Tate will keep you young!

Andrea said...

All along this journey, it is definitely bittersweet. I think what you are feeling is normal, I am feeling the same way. If it is not normal, I am in great company!!

Jewels of My Heart said...

If you did not have moments of "freaking out" and being afraid about being a new mom, I would say you are not ready and you are living in La La land...It is a natural emotion to have those moments thinking what have I done.
But the good news is that you are right on track. Happy Birthday and you will embrace the overwhelming emotions that you will have because it will be over your Tate. You will feel such love that it almost physically hurts. You will stare at your daughter and just begin to cry because you are in such awe of her and are so amazed at how good God is and how much He must love you to have blessed you with your little miracle.
Yes, it will be overwhelming but in a good way... you won't feel vulnerable like in other relationships because your daughter will love you unconditionally too... Your heart is not in jeapardy... it is safe in the hands of your precious child.
God's speed
Daleea

Joannah said...

You are the coolest almost 50 year old I know of! Getting older is hard, but how blessed we all are to celebrate another year, another decade.

Take care! Kick that cold and kick up your heels and celebrate your life!

Stacy said...

I am scared every other day about this journey we are one. I think to be nervous is a good thing. It means we care and we want to do the best we can possibly do in any given situation. To me it means we are willing to admit our weaknesses as well as our strengths. Just my 2cents.

I can't believe you are going to be 50. I thought I read your post wrong. Happy Early Birthday!

Lisa said...

Ahh, I just read your post. I would say you are right on track. As you know huge life changes are scary, stress inducing things. Your heart will soon walk around in a little persons body. Turning 50 is a great milestone and one to celebrate with joy and accomplishment. If you so choose too. A night in with a quart of Ben and Jerrry's would be good too. Thanks for sharing. I am always wondering how other people feel on this journey. Your post insprires me to share more "real" feelings on my blog too.

Eliza2006 said...

I remember blogging about these same feelings during the wait. The fear I once had has been replaced with the most unconditional love for my little girl.

Tiffany

cking706 said...

Your susposed to freak out. Paperwork pregnant is as scary as any other pregnant and you have to have the "OH MY WHAT HAVE I DONE?" moments or you aren't ready and aren't paying attention. I think it may be worse for paper pg just because Y'all wait longer and have more time to think about what your doing...lol. But don't sweat it either way baby. You'll handle anything life throws at you until you get her and once you do...not a single moment of fear will matter. She will priortize (sp) your world in about 3 seconds flat and suddenly age and location and all the rest stop mattering. Just Tate and you and your life together. I am so excited that you are getting closer. I can't wait to meet her!!!

Julie said...

I understand your fear. I find my love for Tess both exhilirating and frightening. But you will deal with it and love it!

Hang in there!

Stephe said...

Can I tell you Lisa, there is a small chance that my best friend won't travel with me either but I'm ok with that. Emotionally, I am very much like your post. I did, however, tell my best friend my prediction. I'll be a mess just minutes prior to gotcha, then I'll be fine till probably until her first nap and then I will escape to the bathroom and just breakdown and ball my eyes out. Gimme 10 or 15 minutes and I'll be good to go. Sometimes I just need those little outlets, they really work for me. I don't show the highs and lows of emotion very well. I feel them but I don't show them. I'm always kinda of this even temperment on the outside. It confuses a lot of people. I try to verbalize how I feel when people look at me like "aren't you HAPPY?"

Sorry about going off on a tangent. We are all definately on a rollercoaster and most of us have no idea when we're gonna hit a loop or fast turn. We'll just have to be here for each other and go with the flow. I'm definately here for you if you ever need a shoulder. ((big hugs))

I really hope that your friend will be able to travel with you! I know you're a little ahead of me but if for some reason we travel together, you can count on me for anything!!!! :)

C.J. said...

You are lining up for a big life change...I would hope you did have some questions about it all. Wondered about it all.

I can completely relate to this post. Completely!

Good news is, we'll be fine mamas in the end.