Sunday, October 28, 2007


I decided that women only* needed a little fun minus the men in our lives. What better excuse for a parteee than having my sister in town AND a Halloween cheer-up for me? What a blast and cheer up it definitely was! I stated that witches hats were optional. My grown-up niece, Crystal, dressed up all cute and witchy.

As the Utah bloggers can confirm, there is a local "modern Mexican" restaurant here in Utah that is to die for. The reason why "modern" is because it is mostly healthy salads..... Homemade flour tortillas, pork barbacoa or chicken or shredded beef, black beans, Mexican rice, romaine lettuce, crispy tortilla strips, and the most amazingly delicious creamy tomatilla salad dressing. One of of my friends from my Gourmet club (another post) had actual recipes and served this when she was hosting the monthly dinner. Geared with these recipes and a more than willing sampling group in the Winger witches..... This is what I served. AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS! (sorry too busy yumming to take pictures)

After feasting on "healthy" witches food, we made designer Carmel apples..... FUN!!! I had Carmel, semi-sweet chocolate, white chocolate in a squeeze bottle, chopped pecans nuts, candy corn and little BLACK bats. I let each witch "at it" to create.

Ending up the brew-ha ha. We watched HOCUS POCUS... a Halloween tradition for me, a first for my mom (Nana), and a reminder of a great movie for all others.

****Witches attending.... Twinkle Toes, Sparkle, Michelle (mom to T.T. and Sparkle) my mom- Nana, sister- Kelly (visiting from Florida) and Crystal (my nickname for her is Beautiful- she calls me Gorgeous).... Mesa was a dog and stayed in the back yard.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


At Twinkle Toe's elementary school.....

This is ALL her hair with a cup inside. She got THIRD PLACE!!! I am not sure if that was in the school, or for third grade only. Anyway, she had a riot doing it!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


What a go getter my sister is ... she just blows me away. Okay, she is 7 yrs younger, but man this woman can work. When she arrived for to help me with the kingdom, she said she just wanted to hit it (remodel) and hit it hard. She was not kidding me. She really motivated me and we tackle the Demo in Tate's Kingdom. Our day started at 10:30 and ended work at 5:50. Here is what we accomplished by hitting it hard and working!!!

First we had to take all this junk out of the room and find a place to put it.

The only thing that had to remain was my desk and computer. I have to work in this space until everything is hooked up in the basement.

We ripped off the chair moulding and baseboards. Stripped out the carpet and hauled it to the curb. Washed the three wood blinds and washed down the walls and ceiling.....

After a quick drink of Diet Coke, we were off and running to buy the paint from Benjamin Moore. I went with the eggshell-Summer Blue color. This 16 inch square sample patch has been taped on my wall for me to observe all the various hues it takes throughout the day. There is no way Tate's Kingdom would have any hue that was not perfect in every type of lighting.

Once back, my sister, Kelly (in the photo above) painted the white crown moulding and I started adding this amazing blue.

This where we stopped after the end of a day and the start of me working. We have one more coat of blue paint and more white trim paint. Where you see the green, we will put wainscoting 4 feet up from the floor. Then trim on top of the wainscoting and add the 8 inch baseboards. I live in a 100 yr old house and it is the style in the baseboards throughout the house. More painting, window treatments and carpet..... We had a lot more to do but we have accomplished so much in one day!

I am so filled with JOY.....I am sitting here in the Kingdom and I am loving the warm night hues and thinking of rocking Tate.

Monday, October 22, 2007


Last night was the family birthday celebration for the quick and smart witted Smiley guy, who is now 15 years old. Those who know him can attest to his delightful personality.... and his bossy-ness. The jury is still out IF Smiley will be coming to China with us. I am in need of a great photographer and this he definitely is. Why would I be concerned taking Smiley with me? I worry that he might get bored with all the hanging around "bonding" and "finalizing". Maybe he will too bossy? But he will be strong, helpful, and oh so entertaining. I'm leaning towards including this funny bossy guy....

Like I said, Smiley is quick and smart witted. He is hilarious. He can be a BAD tease. Last night he was razzing me about something. I said if you only know how sad I am, you would be nice to me. His quick response was.

Wa Waaaaa.

Cry Me a river

Build Me a bridge


This just cracked me up and has gotten me building that bridge and getting over it. Thanks also to all the tender comments. We are all in it together.... So build that bridge!

Saturday, October 20, 2007


I am having a hard time sorting out my feelings, let alone starting to describe these feels.

I just feel an emptiness. A longing. A hunger. For weeks now I have had this tightness in my throat straight down to the pit of my stomach. In this tightness, I feel an uncontrollable cry. A sob. A scream. But NOTHING will come out.

Each day I pull myself out of bed and creep through my day.... feeling no joy. Mechanically I will feed the dog, shower, and try to work. I am not depressed. I have known deep depression. This feels so different.

I have been obsessed in the past with seeing and reading the blogs of the lucky ones. Family fun. Family snuggles. FAMILIES.

I have craved to be in the presence of other babies. To, for just a moment, feel the weight of this sweetness in my arms. To soak up the cuteness of each and every movement and intonation of a sweet baby voice and cry. Now I have no such desire.

I am unable to answer truthfully when asked "How are you?" I just reply, "fine, good, well". How would I begin to say I am dying inside. S.L.O.W.L.Y.

So when I am asked "How are you?" know that my voice is saying "good" but look deep within my eyes and know I am suffering a loss of one more day, month, holiday, and year.

Holding. Loving. Living.
Being a family and mother.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


But indoor it's smelling wonderfully delicious and warm. The mere suggestion by this blog and out I run to the frozen section in my local grocery market. These delicious bundle of sin were on sale, so of course I had to buy two..... one for now, one for later.

Frozen product... bake for 30mins...

After 30 minutes these frozen swirls of sin are ready...

Final touch is to add the orange (with orange zest too) frosting. My only complaint is I love frosting and wish there was more. Finger licking yummmmmm.

I am still trying to decide where I will be placing these extra pounds of fat on my body that these sinner will add.... YUMMO!

Friday, October 12, 2007


Whoooo. Waaaaaa.
I am finding the hardest part of this wait for Tate is the upcoming holiday Halloween.... Two years ago while paper chasing, I thought to myself "next year I should just barely be home from China with Tate in my arms". I will head to the pumpkin patch with her and frolic in the crisp splendor that is AUTUMN. I will watch her astonishment at the strange orange huge balls, snapping pictures of my very own pumpkin love bug. But then this did not happen. I consoled myself with the knowledge that next year I would truly realize my dream and again envisioned Halloween 2006. But NO.... not gonna happen that year. Surely Halloween 2007 was it! Again bitter frustration and disappointment. Could it be, would it possibly be Halloween 2008???

So once again I try to take pleasure in other people's children and the joy of these families. I try to focus on the fun that I can create for myself, friends and families..... dipping Carmel apples, carving pumpkins, playing in leaves.

Instead of posting a picture of my own Pumpkin love bug this Halloween, I am borrowing a picture of this anonymous child..... This child is to represent to me, Tate, who will fill my arms and longings for this fun Autumn holiday one day soon.

Monday, October 08, 2007



I am wondering if this need for organizing and finishing projects is the change in the season or if I feel like I have been hangin' home enough that I feel more motivation.

My sister is visiting from Florida for almost 3 weeks. The plan was for me to pay for her airfare in exchange for her help getting Tate's kingdom done. Sometimes a gal needs an extra pair of hands and another person's opinion on style. Even if she was not willing to help get the kingdom finished, I still had planned on buying her a ticket to just hang out with her family. In the years past, she and I have had our difficulties. Thankfully this is behind us now. I give credit of this healing directly to Tate. At first when I decided to adopt, I did not share this joy with her. I was not sure of her reaction. I was not sure if I was ready to open my heart to her, to share the journey that lead up to the decision to adopt.... and why I will be naming my daughter Tate. On a whim one day I called her. It was a difficult call to make. Unsure as to her welcoming my call. At first it felt strained, superficial. Then I gave her the "news". Her reaction was shock at first but immediately JOY. She was the first one to say to me "congratulations".... it had been 9 months of the paper chase. I had my LID before I told her. Imagine my shock when she chose to say "congratulations". Within days I received the most adorable and appropriate card congratulating me on my adoption. Tate was able to bridge this gap that had become my relationship with my little sister. No longer did we have the past to rely on for conversation. Instead we had new conversation concerning the journey, the plans, the joy which is Tate.

So, coming soon to this blog close to you.... the start, middle and finish of Tate's kingdom.

Goal.... to start by mid October and be finished move in ready by Thanksgiving.

Sunday, October 07, 2007


Just plain and simple.

Saturday, October 06, 2007


These TWO are TWO!!! Happy Birthday to the Salsa Twins, Rose and Marie!!!
They are such adorable girls in both personality and cuteness!!! CCAA could not have done a better match for Mary-Mia and Rod!!! I only wish I could be with you guys to celebrate!!! I'll be eating Salsa and Chips in your honor!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Succulent, bright and the last picking of the season.... Red Raspberries!!!
Smash, add sugar, pecton, water...

And a FREEZER...

I will be thinking about these Ruby Gems on a frigid cold winter morning as I smear this freezer jam on my toast.... It is one way to remember the Summertime while in the dead of Wintertime!!!