Saturday, October 20, 2007

TIGHTNESS

I am having a hard time sorting out my feelings, let alone starting to describe these feels.

I just feel an emptiness. A longing. A hunger. For weeks now I have had this tightness in my throat straight down to the pit of my stomach. In this tightness, I feel an uncontrollable cry. A sob. A scream. But NOTHING will come out.

Each day I pull myself out of bed and creep through my day.... feeling no joy. Mechanically I will feed the dog, shower, and try to work. I am not depressed. I have known deep depression. This feels so different.

I have been obsessed in the past with seeing and reading the blogs of the lucky ones. Family fun. Family snuggles. FAMILIES.

I have craved to be in the presence of other babies. To, for just a moment, feel the weight of this sweetness in my arms. To soak up the cuteness of each and every movement and intonation of a sweet baby voice and cry. Now I have no such desire.

I am unable to answer truthfully when asked "How are you?" I just reply, "fine, good, well". How would I begin to say I am dying inside. S.L.O.W.L.Y.

So when I am asked "How are you?" know that my voice is saying "good" but look deep within my eyes and know I am suffering a loss of one more day, month, holiday, and year.


Holding. Loving. Living.
Being a family and mother.

23 comments:

Michelle said...

Oh Lisa. My heart hurts for you. I wish I could just make this wait go away. It must be hard to be this close, yet so far away. I'm sorry.

Catherine said...

Sending lots and lots...and lots of (((hugs))) dear friend! Hold on...we're going to get through this!!

laurel said...

Sending our thoughts and love. Hoping you make it through this sad time. During our wait, I just kept thinking how much sweeter our meeting would be....and it was. Hang in there.

Gracencameronsmomy said...

I'm so sorry...I know that feeling and it is so hard. thinking of you...

Alyson & Ford said...

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

Peace
fm

Joannah said...

Lisa, it's the time of year. As we approach the holidays, it becomes painfully obvious to those of us without children what we're missing. We're over the party aspect of the season, and we just want to be home with our own families. It's a little different for me this year, but I have felt what you're feeling many, many times before.

So, I'm sending big hugs to you. There will come a holiday season (hopefullly next year), when your heart is bursting with joy and gratitude for all that you have been blessed with in the person of your baby girl. Until then, be strong, and keep your eyes on the horizon. She's coming!

shelley said...

I am so sorry your heart is heavy and your soul feels black. Each day that you wake up and feel like this is STILL one day closer to your baby. I wish for peace with your wait. Please know we are all feeling your pain as well. Know that we all are hugging you from our computers around the states.

Anonymous said...

hold on to your dream and it will come true... you are so much closer and that makes it harder to think it could still be months. donna (my daughter) is going throuh this and has said there is alittle light she is starting to see...it's been a long wait and the uncertainity is so hard, but believe you will have your daughter and your getting up will hold all the happiness and promise of a wonderful life. keep the faith....linda

trish said...

Lisa, I am so sorry you are feeling so blue. I can understand why and imagine the wait is very, very hard. I hope writing about it helps.
May you find peace and hugs.

M3 said...

I'm so sorry my sweet sweet friend. My heart aches for you and all of my friends who are still (STILL!) waiting. It is impossibly hard. And I think that Joannah is right, the holidays magnify every single feeling of pain. So hang in there, sending huge hugs and thinking about you. Much love, M3

Eliza2006 said...

LiLa (as Eliza would say),
It is hard. No doubt about it. Time will not only bring your daughter closer to you, but it will also heal your pain. Until then, just keep putting on foot in front of the other!

Tiffany

Donna said...

It would be unnatural if all of this didn't get you down in the dumps at times. Hope you come out of the doldrums soon and are back to your old self!

Kristen said...

Sending BIG (((((HUGS)))))) your way...

Doris & Dan said...

My dear, I am so sorry. Your pain is one a lot of us feel. I wish I could offer the right words and insight. We have to push on and know that this does come to a happy ending. HUGS!!!

Keep smilin!

Susie said...

Hang in there Lisa...I understand how you feel. Sometime soon it will all seem worth it.

Colleen said...

Lisa I am so sorry you have a heavy heart right now. I understand how this time of year can just wreck you. Like Catherine said...you WILL get thru this. You will. I wish there was something I could do. Hey! Come here with your fuzzy bear and you can love up on Hannah and I can love up on Mesa. Deal?

Abby's Mom said...

I so know what you mean and this time of the year is really the hardest it seems. Please know that you are not alone. We are all in this together and we will get through it. Hang in there Tate is waiting for you. ((HUGS))

OziMum said...

I hang onto Julie's mantra

Wait.Hope.Dream
Repeat

Its hard to explain to people, how "longing" can actually give you a physical pain. Mine comes and goes. I've got to keep setting myself short-term goals - unfortunately, I keep meeting them... and it still doesn't feel like we're any closer to our Mini.

Know that there are so many others, feeling your pain.

Wait.Hope.Dream
Repeat

kris said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Last night at church, oddly as this week waiting for some reason has been really hard, the priest talked about how God gives us whatever (no matter how impossible) we ask for- only we must be patient, and wait on it... of course, he said it way better than that, but it helped me refocus and let go a little.

Either way, I know this is really painful and wish I could take even a portion of it away.

My answer to how are you? Always, "hangin' in there"... :O)

Kayce said...

Lisa...{{{{HUGS}}}}

Shannon said...

You can do this. There is a Brilliant Tate Light at the end of the tunnel once you get through these next few turns. Hugs.

Donna & Joe said...

Lisa, you SO nailed "that" feeling. I think we have all had it at one point or another during this wait. It's very difficult to describe, but you are right on with it.

It's kind of a numbness...as if you are just going through the motions. I'm hoping it will pass for you quickly. Snuggle a little extra with Mesa this week.

Donna :)

rubyiscoming said...

Sweetie, I'm just catching up on blogs and read this post......you are speaking my language. I'm not only sad but starting to get angry - and I'm really not an ANGRY person!!! I love children and just can't believe that it could be another YEAR before I meet our Ruby.

Hugs from far away to you. We're in it together......