Do you wish for or want a second (or more) child?
On my mind lately, has been how and when I will be able to provide Tate a sister or brother. I just love having siblings, could not imagine a life without them, and want to provide the same for Tate.
So my thoughts-
POSITIVES...
- companionship. Having someone always there to play with, love or even dislike at times.
- dynamics between a single child and parent. I have heard that when it is only a mom and a child, the relationship is so different than when you place another child in the mix. When there is another child, then you are the mom and they are the kiddos.
- someone to share family memories. Since I am a card holding membership of AARP now, I worry that I will leave this earth before Tate is established in her life. I want Tate to have someone who she can "dish" about me and all the memories... fun and frustration with me as the Mama.
- someone to have family traditions. I want to have my own very specific family traditions. I will have these traditions whether it is just the two of us, or others in our family. Heck, I even have specific family traditions with the 90 lbs of snuggle pup, Mesa. I know that Tate will be welcomed with opened arms at my family and friends while they have their traditions. I also have been there at these same traditions. I love being a guest at these traditions.... but I am a GUEST in someone else's traditions. I never want Tate to feel that she does not have her own traditions she can share with a sibling.
CONCERNS...
- I know it will be a hard job to mother two as a single momma.
- I know it will be a huge expense.
Hey I can only think of two concerns why not to add one more kiddo.
Right now I have got to wait to get Tate here and then figure out the how to for another one or two....
QUESTION
If you do want more munchkins, how do you see yourself adding to your family?
****I know that this is a dilemma for married parents. Please feel free to comment on this subject also.
27 comments:
Hi Lisa,
I pondered this question for more than a year before I listened to my heart and just knew my family wasn't complete. Tomorrow will be one year since I became a mom of two and it is hard. But, I don't regret it and am very happy to be the mom of these girls. I was lucky - China was still open to single moms when I did the second adoption.
My main concern when I was deciding was if I would have the physical stamina to go the distance with two. There were points in this last year that were really tough and I was so tired I couldn't stand it. But I am trying to get healthy so I have more life to give to my girls. And as they get older, they don't need as much phycial labor from me.
I say go for it! You will find a way with the money. You have tons of love to share and the rest will work its way out. I hope things get better with single adoptions soon. I hear Mexico is starting so maybe that would be an option?
I will be 49 this year and my girls are now 6 and 3. So, I'll be the old lady at all the ceremonies. But, I'll be smiling!
:-)
I feel like it is a personal choice. We are done with 4. Thought about adopting a 5th, but discovered I was barely holding my head above water as it is. Each person's personality is different. Some can handle more and some can't. You will do the right thing because you know what you can handle. I personally think you are good at everything.
As a married momma, I love that my kids have each other. I am no longer the entertainment committee. I am the referee...but that gets better as they get older.
It is a very personal thing. I think you should get through the first year or so with Tate and see how you feel. 2 is double the 1. It's double the work. It's double the fun!
A year ago I was in the EXACT same position as you... A waiting single mama, on the cusp of a referral, and already thinking of #2. What did I decide? Well, to begin with I told myself that I should start putting money aside whenever I could, just in case I wanted to adopt a second child. If I ended up not doing it, then I would go on a vacation or something. Secondly I knew that I needed to focus most of my energy on my current adoption, and then re-evaluate when we got home. I brought me daughter home and things were SO GOOD. I was loving being a mama and I was ready to start for #2 because I knew it would take awhile. I put in my paperwork for Kaz and am now waiting for a referral. We expect one in about six months. I have been home with my girl for almost a year, and we both can't wait to bring home her mei mei! Let your heart guide you, and wait until you are home to make a final decision, but you may want to start saving a little bit now. Just my two cents. Good luck with your decision!
Claire
Mom to Charlotte, and waiting for Sophie
Ah, tough question...
It sounds to me like your heart has already decided... :-)
BTDT!!!! I brought DD#1 home when she was 10 months old. I myself am an only child and both parents are dead.After starting and stopping my file 4 times, I made the plunge and went back for DD#2 she was 23 months. Today I have a 6 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 year old and WE ARE A FAMILY!!!!!!I felt exactly like you and I say go for it!!!!
single proud Mom Doreen in Montreal
Ah, the questions I ponder daily! I agree that it is a very personal choice. What's right for one may not be right for another.
Not only do I want another child, but I want Eliza to have a sibling. When I'm long gone I want her to have someone that she has history with...immediate family. I'm going to go for it. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it on many levels. I know without any doubt that I will be the mother to more than one child. As I always say, it's not if, but when for #2.
Tiffany
Tiffany
I have always felt the exact same way in thought about every one of your positives...
I will work as hard as I can to give my daughter a sibling. I feel VERY strongly about it and think it is really important...
But like everyone else said... this is MY personal opinion, and every needs to do what is best for them!
Kristen
I agree with you on having a sibling. It would be easy for me to say yes for sure go for it! I love having four and watching them have each other. But only you will know what you can do as a single Mommy. Ultimately I hope you feel the support you have in family, friends, a ward family and ext. family, that will support you. When you are doing the rignt somehow things seem to work out. You will be blessed.
I've been single with two for almost 3 years now after being single with 1 for more than 6 years (they're 10 and almost 6, both from China). Yes, finances are tighter, I sometimes lose my temper and get less sleep, and keeping track of their activities and school work is a challenge, but watching their relationship grow and my own love for my amazing second daughter make it all worthwhile. I think the key is to make sure that you want a second child not just for your daughter but also because you have the capacity/desire to parent another child. As long as you have the will and you're patient (and you certainly have that one down), a door will open.
It is definitely harder with two. I think ,like you, it's great having siblings. It's worth all the hard times and there is nothing like a brother or sister. I can't wait to meet Tate.
I too have thought about two. I think I (like those who have commented) need to have one and see how it goes. As a single parent- everything will be harder (e.g., finances, sleep, etc.). As my single friend with two kids says "one plus one does not equal two but 2+). It's not just about getting a sibling for our daughters but also, whether we can logistically and financially handle it. I am ovewhelmed at times by the daycare costs (over $1000 per month for two kids). I'll wait until Baby Li gets here then make the decision.
Thanks for the b-day card!
L.
I would love for Emma to have a little sister or brother, but I don't know that it's in the cards for us.
I was actually paperchasing for #2 in 2006 when I unexpectedly got laid off from my job. I found another job within three months, but it's scared the heck out of me and I decided financially, it was too risky for us.
Although I still wish it could have worked out, it's probably for the best that it didn't. I always labored under the delusion that children are less expensive as they get older - once you got them out of daycare. That is so not true! There's afterschool care and expenses for their activities and hobbies. Their clothes and shoes cost more. And they eat more! I honestly don't think I could make ends meet right now if I had two children.
Then there's the fact that I'm getting older and that the adoption options for singles seem to shrink more every year.
That said, I haven't totally ruled out a foster care or domestic adoption someday. You can never say never!
I think you'll just have to wait until you have some time with Tate and decide where you'll go next!
When I started the first adoption that was my plan but finances changed the when part and now the IA is changing the where part. I always envisioned myself with two girls. I can't adopt out of birth order, Glenys has to be the oldest. Some kids don't mind being the baby but Glenys needs to be oldest. So we will wait until finances turn around and until she is a bit older.
Beverly
I think it is wise to wait until you are home w/ #1 before pondering a second........Yes, it would be wonderful for my DD to have a sibling, but for many reasons, it didn't happen and I am very much at peace with it. I have seen many single moms jump into #2 only to realize that either one has some special needs they didn't anticipate and it has really become a struggle - financial, emotioanal and the like. And yes, that can happen just as much w/ bio kids , but as a single parent, I have only my resources (emotional, financial etc) to depend upon.
And, be assured that a family of 2 can have as many enriching and memorable traditions etc as large families - I venture to say that not many families celebrate more than we do..... Yes, listen to your heart, but wait until you have number 1 home before you lament about #2
Nina
Mom to the Amazing Ava
I don't think about #2, I'm already thinking about #3 and the first isn't even here yet! We have no idea how we're going to do it, but paying off all debt is in the plans before the third comes home, which will make it easier. But it sounds to me like your heart has already decided :)
Girl, I can barely wrap my head around ONE right now! I think I'll have to wait and see how it is with the first!
I am definitely open to 2 - I have a great relationship with my own sibling, and want that for my daughter. But, I am going with "wait and see" - see what the options are once I am home with #1 for a bit!
As a single Mom of two I totally understand your postive reasons - I've been there. And, I planned for #2 while waiting for #1. I've been thinking about this alot lately actually (dreaming of #3? folish pipe dream) But, my reality, and it is only mine, is that two is extremely hard - you are always playing the zone defense. But, also, I hope ultimately worth all the sacrifices.
My negative about two is that life is harder. You aren't as mobile and they fight, compete, and want your undivided attention at the exact same time. That is alot of pressure.
The positive is I am a better Mother to two then I would have been to one. I would have hovered and protected Riley and that isn't the kind of Mom she needed. Plus I do see that with one child you have more of a partnership relationship and with two there is definite children/parent definition. That may not be true for all but I see it in my family.
Some days I would do it all over again and some days I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would be that hard.
It has made me a different Mother and a different person having two. Worth it? Every day. Regrets? Yes and No. Final Answer - sorry that's for you and Tate to decide.
My only advice is to make sure you have a complete support system to fall back on you'll need it way more with two than you will with only one.
We've aged out and so a second is not even a possibility for us. Fortunately, we have grands that will be Alyzabeth's age and her family playmates...
peace
fm
Well, Lisa, I'm living my answer to your question every day. I kept sending adoption applications until someone other than me said no and that would be the CCAA who put the final kibosh on any more expansions to my family about the same time my pocketbook slammed shut too, so good timing for me. Wouldn't trade a moment with my four beauties (well, there have been more than a few less than Kodak moments with Nora, but, comes with the territor), but four is expensive and there are compromises, lots of compromises.
But they're mine, all mine, and I love the way they love each other. For example, Mimi to Nora in the back of the van the other day: "It's okay I tell you I love you, you're my sister, we gets to say I love you or did you forget?" Sums it up for me, go for it.
Marji, mom to many and I've got the gray to prove it
OOoo I think about this alot! I'd love a bro or sis for Mini. Definitely by way of adoption. My biggest concern is timing. I really don't want to be waiting another 4-5 years for what will be our 4th child. Our stupid Govt (governs all adoptions, no private agency here), is very tight on SN adoptions, and makes it very difficult to adopt SN. I think this would be our best option though, if we do go done the path for a child after Mini.
*Sorry Lisa! I just realised you were posing the question to single Mamas!*
I count myself as single half the year, coz hubs is away with work!!
I am married and we didn't adpot but I don't think it matters in this context. Once you get Tate you will experience a joy and peace like you have never known before. An all consuming love that leaves no room for doubt but LOTS of room for more love. It just seems to multiply. I'm betting M3 is right and your choice is made. I think it's awesome Lisa that you would even consider two. Your a wonderful Mom Honey and Tates sister or brother will be as lucky as she is. Besides this world needs more people that actually want to be parents and didn't just end up that way.
I guess that you will be looking at options other than adopting from China if you want a second child! Prddications are LID now will be getting their child in 2015!
I will be brave and suggest visiting local children's homes. There you will know and find out about your opportunities; your heart will tell you too; orphans are all around us. We did not take advantage of closer to home situations and then the tug of China came.....
Alyson LID 01/27/06
Hi Lisa
I am so excited that you are so close to Tate. We have exchanged quilts squares.I came home in Dec 07 with my daughter Zoe. She has been home 6 mos (yea!!!)and will be 4 next week. I turned 44 yesterday. More kids ? I now have 5. and 3 grandsons. I became a mom at 20. Kids born in 84,85,93,94, and Zoe in 2004. Given the gap between the "sets"I would love to add a sibling closer in age for Zoe. I wholeheartedly reccomend siblings... close in age worked for me but it might be diff with an adopted child.The reality is with countries closing I won't adopt again. I also have 3 grandson that live 5 miles from us who are ages 5,3,2, so she does have family near her age close by. I look forward to following your trip and new adventures in mommyhood. I have been for the most part a single parent and live has been beautiful not so easy but I would not trade a moment. Peace and happiness Bonnie
www.bringingzoehome.blogspot.com
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