Saturday, September 06, 2008

ALL TIED UP

With knots of emotions..... almost out of control emotions.

Today at work I was changing an airline ticket for a passenger. A passenger who felt she needed to share the reason for the change. A ticket that was a no penalty refundable ticket. But somehow she had to share, which caused me to burst right into tears... while on the phone. She was changing the ticket because her sister is in hospice and she needed to be there while she was still alive. Normally I would have given my sympathy with words, but not burst into tears. I tried to control the "sound" but tears were streaming down my cheeks and onto my shirt. Emotional and out of control, I tell ya.

So this little cry-fest put me to thinking about what is going on inside of me. I have been trying to keep stable with my emotions. To keep it positive and to roll with the flow. There was an earth shattering thing that happened during this wait and still I plugged on. I made a choice to try and remain positive with this long wait, news of the lack of Hague accreditation that my agency missed, and the thought of the upcoming Autumn season of family fun. Swallowing all this emotions has filled up my heart and finally had to burst.

I am tired of the anticipation of the China experience. I have hear and read and lived through others. I have loved to being part of the experience of others while they start their journeys from referral, the wait to travel, the actual gotcha moment, the piles of paperwork, oaths, attachment and to hold and experience the emotions and love of motherhood. But now, I want to have my very own experience. I want to have the things that have me scared, done. The stuff that I look forward to, done. I want to have the long flights, done. I want to be done. DONE with this chapter in the journey but starting the chapter of my life as Tate's momma.

So let me put a warning out for those who know me, hang with me, family, friends and co-workers. Handle me with care. Walk softly, speak with love, ignore my outbursts of tears and emotions. I promise, this will pass with time.

32 comments:

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

Okay, take two. The first comment didn't make any sense!

Oh gosh Lisa, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know exactly what you mean. It is no fun. No fun at all. I hate that this process has the ability to take such a positive person like you and make you feel so down. Hugs!

Circe said...

It WILL happen. I just wish for you that it was RIGHT NOW. Once she's here, though, it's forever. And it will seem like she was here all along. I promise.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs.

Lisa~~ said...

Know that I'm here for you. {{HUGS}}

Anonymous said...

We will be kind to you....but remember to be kind to yourself. How you are feeling is very normal. No human being can go through what you have gone through unscathed (30+ months....no woman would sign up for that pregnancy!). I want it done for you too! And for Tate!

L.

Special K said...

Oh man have I been where you are. And probably will be there again before this ride is over with.

Just hang in. It will pass and you'll find an upswing. This wait has done things to us that we could never have imagined. But in the end we'll come out stronger. And it'll make us even better mothers for having endured it.

Shannon said...

Big oll Hugs. It's gonna work out. Tate and her momma will be united.

Marji said...

Lisa, it sucks and you get to cry when you need to, crying is a good thing. Let it out, feel what you feel, and keep moving forward. When I was waiting for Ellie's referral, Pepsi had that commercial with the little giggling boy being overrun by a pack of adorable puppies, I lost it every time, every single time. And don't even get me going about the Kodak commercials, my heart was so tender, they played me like a harp. So I can't even imagine how raw you are feeling, but if you need to indulge your tender feelings, you go for it.

Marji
who got so callous by the fourth trip that when the agency called to tell me I had TA for Nora, I was taken completely by surprise

Kayce said...

Lisa...I'm sending you huge hugs right now. It is so hard to stay positive during this wait, but do know that you are not alone. Your emotions are justified and it's okay to break down, it is good for the soul. I hope if you need a shoulder, you call me. You are in my thoughts.

Catherine said...

Passing you a tissue and holding you close. It will happen soon friend and...within a matter of months. Wahoo!

The emotions are such a hard part of this. Here for you friend...through thick and thin. Love ya.

Jennie said...

You are so close, that you can be so emotional! I envy your position, but know I have a lot to learn in this process. I hope Tate comes home soon!!

a Tonggu Momma said...

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. This lengthy wait really takes its toll. Hugs to you.

Debz said...

I totally know what your feeling.
Sending big velcro hugs.

lora said...

I have been watching your blog for what seems like forever. Waiting for you to get that referral. I can't begin to imagine your feelings. But please know they are safe with all of us out here.

I can't even stand how long this is taking, and I am so sorry you are hurting.

Stay on this crazy ride, it has the best ending ever!!!

Your so close, hang in there :)
lora

Donna said...

I don't blame you for being tired of the wait...I would be too. Being a waiting mom is fun for only so long...now you're ready to be a MOM!

Your time is so close, though...hang in there just a little bit longer!

sea star said...

I hear ya! I'm so ready for this chapter of waiting to be over. I believe you have earned the right to be a tad emotional at this point.

Happy 30th LID-versary to ya!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I am so sorry you are in this place right now....it is like a terrible roller coaster ride, that we just can't get off!

Try to stay positive, you are so close to her....hang in there...your day is coming!

Lisa

Eliza2006 said...

This part of the journey is tiring. I'm tired for you. She's almost here. You can make it!

Elyssium Earth said...

Darlin, I've been reading 'Bug' for ages and never said a word but i must say i was antonished and a little heartsick after a year of no internet access to log in and see where it's at. Thinkin, Tate must be home now. No. It's strange to watch all the other stories morph into the families they are meant to be. Surreal. Your's is one that makes me see the REALITY of it all. Thankyou. The age old adage says it's always darkest before dawn and I truly believe that just when it gets to feel like too much, something gives. You seem to me extremely brave and giving in your delight of everyone else's children and it makes perfect sense that you will crash sometimes. She's coming. And until then even random strangers are praying for both of you. xo

Joan said...

I was a basket case after 14 months, I don't know how you have done it for 30 plus and am amazed at your strength!!!

Make sure to get yourself some extra chocolate or bubbles or whatever makes you feel special!

Briana's Mom said...

It's funny - the closer people get to referral, the more nervous and emotional they get. That is exactly how it was for me. I just about fell apart when I was just a few months away from referral. The wait takes a toll on you - it really does. Try to stay strong! Thinking of you!

laurel said...

I am so sorry. Know we love you and wish you the best!

Ava's family said...

My hubby said to me the other day, "Can you even imagine the relief it will be when we're finally home from China and we don't have to worry about this adoption anymore?" This stress has been going on for so long now..... I'm certain it will feel like a huge weight has lifted off our shoulders. I think we all are ready for a little peace and are more than ready for our girls. (((Hugs))) to you.

Ginny said...

I'm sorry. That's all I know to say. You've certainly held it together for a long time and it is really time for it to end and for Tate to be at home.
Ginny

Jenn said...

I was just telling someone the other day that I have stuffed down so much emotion for so long that I'm afraid to see what happens when it all comes out. (I'm guessing that I better not even bother with make up on referal day!) It's good to let it out once in a while. Think of it as decompressing!

Muriel and her Mom said...

God Bless you darling. You are allowed ALL these feelings. Every last stinking one of them. And each of them will lead to joy...called Tate.

Love - Tracy

Joannah said...

I think everyone should be able to understand your vulnerability right now. You have endured a lot to this point, and now you can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there. Good things are coming your way!

Abby's Mom said...

It really just plain stinks! (((BIG HUGS))) to ya!

Abby's Mom said...

It really just plain stinks! (((BIG HUGS))) to ya!

rubyiscoming said...

Gosh, I can totally relate! hang in there :)

Susie said...

I know how you feel. I wish you had Tate in your arms right now! This wait does crazy things with our emotions and the way we think. Getting our children will change our lives and hearts forever for the better. It's very hard to be so positive all the time when in your heart your emotions and thoughts are all over the place. If ever you need to talk to someone who can relate...give me a call. Hugs!!