With knots of emotions..... almost out of control emotions.
Today at work I was changing an airline ticket for a passenger. A passenger who felt she needed to share the reason for the change. A ticket that was a no penalty refundable ticket. But somehow she had to share, which caused me to burst right into tears... while on the phone. She was changing the ticket because her sister is in hospice and she needed to be there while she was still alive. Normally I would have given my sympathy with words, but not burst into tears. I tried to control the "sound" but tears were streaming down my cheeks and onto my shirt. Emotional and out of control, I tell ya.
So this little cry-fest put me to thinking about what is going on inside of me. I have been trying to keep stable with my emotions. To keep it positive and to roll with the flow. There was an earth shattering thing that happened during this wait and still I plugged on. I made a choice to try and remain positive with this long wait, news of the lack of Hague accreditation that my agency missed, and the thought of the upcoming Autumn season of family fun. Swallowing all this emotions has filled up my heart and finally had to burst.
I am tired of the anticipation of the China experience. I have hear and read and lived through others. I have loved to being part of the experience of others while they start their journeys from referral, the wait to travel, the actual gotcha moment, the piles of paperwork, oaths, attachment and to hold and experience the emotions and love of motherhood. But now, I want to have my very own experience. I want to have the things that have me scared, done. The stuff that I look forward to, done. I want to have the long flights, done. I want to be done. DONE with this chapter in the journey but starting the chapter of my life as Tate's momma.
So let me put a warning out for those who know me, hang with me, family, friends and co-workers. Handle me with care. Walk softly, speak with love, ignore my outbursts of tears and emotions. I promise, this will pass with time.