Wednesday, March 04, 2009

RAW EMOTIONS.... UPDATED

UPDATED.....

I woke up this morning after getting 6 blissful hours of sleep (2 1/2 hours the night before) and knew what I needed to do. I do not thrive in unorganized mess. Piles of all the stuff that make up a living room and an well equipped dining room were every where. Piles of china, plates, crystal and stemware are on the kitchen island. NO WHERE to make something to eat. In Tate's Kingdom is wall to wall furniture. The front porch has the china cabinet and armour. The garage is full of the couch, chairs, dining room table. It snowed last night. Since the car was not in the garage, I got to clean off snow. The point???? These things weigh heavily on my over taxed emotions. Hence, I feel numb, scared, doubtful.

I will be spending the morning in TIFFANYLAND. Those who read Eliza Story before she went password protected know the cuteness of Eliza and now the snugly cuteness of the little prince Solomon. I just need to spend time away from these piles of stuff, noise... holding and snuggling baby and toddler.

Thank you so much for the positive comments and reassurance. I sometimes have to remind myself that the joys overshadow the fears.... I will take one day at a time.

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I seem to do my best thinking and writing my blog in my mind while driving alone in my car. Many post have been created in my mind, but few post actually make it on this blog. Today these feelings have once again been written in my mind, while driving. This time I am taking the time to put "pen to paper", so to speak. Please NO FLAMES.

I feel totally numb. I remember when M3 missed the cut off by one day, I was so emotional. Then other bloggy friends missed their referrals by one day. Once again I was emotional for them and hoped this would not me. Fast forward three years into this long wait. Here I sit with the comforting knowledge that without a doubt, I am NEXT, but somehow I feel no emotions about this. A numbness. Kind of like someone please pinch me, numbness.

I am not sure if this numbness is due to the fact I am scared to death. Scared of taking on another life to care for. Responsible for feeding clothing, nurturing another living soul. Scared that I will be doing this as a single OLDER momma. Not sure if this is hitting home right now because in thirteen days I will be turning one year older. Scared to take on a huge financial responsibility in such sketchy economical times.

I can recognize that I am scared to death. I am not feeling numbness on this emotion.

Doubt is another emotion that is alive and strong. Doubting that I will be the parent that Tate needs and deserves. Doubt that I will be able to cook, do laundry, clean the house. Will I be able to provide Tate the love of two parents?

Doubt... not a comforting emotion.

From the beginning of this wait I have thought of pulling out of the adoption line. Yet each and every time I think of life without this child, I would feel sick to my stomach. SICK. I am now thinking that in one month's time I will be seeing the face that is to be Tate. This time around... I have no emotions. Time just feels like it is standing still. Thirty days? Twenty-eight days??? Just not getting the butterflies from the joy.

So to sum up this post.... I am scared, doubtful, numb. Time seems like it is standing still.

29 comments:

a Tonggu Momma said...

I was TERRIFIED... especially the day we met the Tongginator. I mean, truly TERRIFIED to become a momma. Four years later - it was the most wonderful decision of our lives. Hugs to you as you wait just a bit more.

chris said...

lisa-
i know exactly the thoughts and feelings. after so many nights dreaming, so long waiting i wondered if i was really up to the task.then the first night with ruby i woke up about 10 times and said "omg thats my BABY" it was a wonderful and terrifying feeling all at once.

you CAN do this. having doubts and fears is NORMAL. your girl is waiting for you. just let your feelings and thoughts be. it will all be ok
chris solo mom to ruby and hazel

The Brown Family said...

Lisa

I hope that you haven't read any of my recent blog posts about my sweet little Grace who is struggling - and had that increase your adoption/mom anxiety. I really considered prefacing them with "it is all still SO worth it!"

You are exactly the mom that Tate needs. That's just how it works.

The fact that you even have all these hopes, fears, doubts doubles my resolve that you are a fab mom.

Love
Kim

Circe said...

You can be a mother...you were born to be a mother. You'll be wonderful. You're ready. All those fears will disappear once you see that little face. Then it will be all about Tate, forever and always, and your emotions will center around what is best for her, because you're the one God chose to be her mom, and He chose you because he knew you would be wonderful.

Suzie said...

I am still so far away from referral but know how you feel. I have those same doubts and fears.

Although I've never met you in person, I can tell from reading your blog that you will be an AMAZING mother to Tate! You will overcome your fears and all will be well the minute you see her face.

Hang in there :o)

Stacey said...

Oh Lisa, you expressed so many of my own feelings so well. Becoming a mother was the scariest thing I have ever done. It is also the BEST thing that has ever happened in my life. Soon it will be your turn. Soon your daughter will be in your arms. Soon you will experience a love that you have never dreamed possible.

I still have doubts and fears...different doubts and fears than the ones I had right before I adopted. I think it is just part of the package of being a mother.

By the way, being an older mother myself...I can relate to your worries. Menopause and a two-year old is an interesting combination :) Sometimes I think there is a reason most people have children when they are young and still have energy. Then I think, wait a minute...I still have energy...so I pretend to have energy...and go to bed exhausted every night. Exhausted but happy!!!

You will be fine. Hang in there!

(The picture that my daughter drew of the Cat in the Hat on my blog really didn't have four eyes...he just had cheeks...two eyes and two cheeks. She draws belly buttons on people too and sometimes little lines for teeth that makes all her people look like monsters. See what you have to look forward too!!!)

3D said...

You are not alone in feeling that way. I harbour many of those same feelings.

And after all this time and us steeling ourselves to disappointment, it is hard and will take a bit of time for our defences to go down and allow our hearts to be open again.

Keep smilin!

Andrea said...

You will be fine. It's the realization of a dream. We are in love with the dream and when that stops and reality hits, it scares us senseless. Next month you will be able to be in love with your new reality. I am so hoping for a quick March for you.

M3 said...

Doubt and terror -- sounds about right. :-) I was completely panicked right beforehand. I don't know (since I've never been pregnant) but I'll bet all first-time moms have that last-minute feeling of "holy crap what have I done!?" regardless of whether they're about to give birth or receive a referral.

You'll be a GREAT mom. Great. :-)

Linda said...

Just thinking and worrying about things should be an indication that you will be a great Mom. All Mom's do that!! Worry about the unknown and everything that can happen. Your Tate will need only your love and hugs. Everything else is extra. It doesn't matter how many toys or how much money you have, it matters how big your heart is. And to start and stay with this long wait and the ups and downs the way you have, you have everything it takes to be a great Mom.
I can't wait to see you with Tate in your arms and see the glow on your face. Enjoy the trip and hug the kids and time will pass quickly. Linda

Donna said...

Lisa, your feelings are absolutely normal. M3 nailed it: I remember feeling exactly the same thing as I looked down at my HUGE belly and worried about raising a baby alone (husband left me when I was preggers). But there was no turning back and a few weeks after becoming a mom for the first time, I was overcome with emotional about how richly God blessed me with this child. He's 20 years old now and I still look at him and know that all the bumps along the way were really nothing.

You also know that I'm an older mom to my girls. I turned 44 just a few days after Gwenny was placed in my arms. A year later, I became a mom again to Maddy at the age of 45. There are so many advantages to being an older mom and you're going to be a FANTASTIC mommy! I know this for a certainty because I've met you in person and I've seen into your heart via this blog. Tate is so lucky!

Biggest hugs to you, my friend.

Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!

Susie said...

I feel those same things once in a while now. I think it's just nerves...I would worry about someone who never questioned if they would be a good mother. Self-reflection is a very good thing and to admit what you feel is a sign of a healthy mind. I know people who don't do this and you can tell! You will do awesome with Tate. You will be the mom you want to be...but just as well you will make mistakes and it is OKAY! No one is perfect, I've learned this being thrown into mama stage at Lyssa being age 5. It will be hard sometimes, but it is so worth it. Hope this makes sense.

Michelle said...

Lisa - Your feelings are totally normal and I warn you that it might not change even once you see your daughter. I still vividly remember sitting the hotel room in China crying and asking what did I do (for myself and my daugther). However, now that I am almost to my one year anniversary I wouldn't do differently if I had the chance to do it over. Some days are extremely challenging as a single parent. Also, I learned to let a lot of stuff go.... the laundry, the dishes, etc and just concentrate on being happy for me and my wonderful little family. I can tell you will be an awesome mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (or even tell yourself otherwise).

Ginny said...

Yep, you are tracking right about on target for a referal with all of these feelings.
Just a warning - I felt the same, then the elation of referal and then... those same feelings came back just as I was ready to hop a plane.
You are totally normal and totally ready for Tate.
Your going to be a great Mom.

shelley said...

I have been a parent for 12 yrs....I still remain terrified and doubtful. I learn to live one day at a time....they were fine today, let's see how tomorrow goes, etc....You remember that the baby ate mac and cheese and loved it...can you make mac and cheese everyday for 2 months?......this is mommyhood....I have followed your blog for at least 2 yrs. I believe you will be really great as a Mom. You can go with the flow and you have great priorities. I am having even stronger feelings of terror and doubt with our new addition coming. I don't know how to parent boys, will I be able to handle 3 children?, is that behavior adoption related or is he just being 2?

Get ready for mommyhood, its a wonderful ride.

KHM said...

Yes - it is NORMAL to feel this way. You should have seen the posts in the RQ Feb room before we got referrals. A whole bunch of terrified PAPs - even second timers.

Tough it out. Once you have been home with Tate for a month NORMAL will be having this little one in your life, and you will KNOW you can do it.

laurel said...

Hang in there. We all love you!

Jewels of My Heart said...

Big Hug......
I will tell you that we too missed the cut off by one day! Now I thank Jesus we missed the cutoff. For we needed to be in the matching room at the exact moment our Hannah was ready to be matched to us.....
All fo these emotions are so natural!!!! The panic with the realization of being a Mommy to your precious child... you will do just fine... you already are a wonderful Mommy! Yes, you will mess up... we all do! But God's grace gets you and your child through... and most importantly.... she will be loved... oh, how she will be loved.
God's Speed...

Abby's Mom said...

All perfectly normal feelings for such a life changing event that is about to happen, Maybe too after all the waiting you are still protecting your heart? The limbo we are in while we wait really plays on you.

Wait till you see Miss Tate :)
(((BIG HUGS)))

Tracy said...

I can relate to numb - and I can say that you deal with what comes your way as a single mama. Laundry, dishes, snow shoveling, etc... it's all second fiddle to your little one. Let the spirit of your heart guide you when you see Tate - and don't let first impressions of your view of that picture haunt you. When i first saw M, my initial reaction was... "OMG, she's cross-eyed" Now of course she wasn't but her referral pictured made her look like she was. Life is about to change. You will have ups and downs you willl have lots of energy and absolutely no energy. Bottom line you do what you do and you ask for help when you need it and you grow in love with your baby. :) Peace friend.

Michelle said...

I think all of those feelings are totally normal.

You are going to be a fantastic Mom!

You are NEXT! Woo hoo!!

Kayce said...

I'm sending you a hug.....

Briana's Mom said...

I was really, really scared to be a first time mom. I wasn't sure if I was up to the challenge. I guess you just have to jump in the deep end and start swimming. Briana is such a happy girl - so I must be doing something right (though I have made plenty of my share of mistakes!) You'll be amazed at how much instinct kicks in. I promise. :)

Donna said...

I think most of us experienced all the things you are feeling. It IS terrifying. But take it from another older single mom...you will be fine and motherhood is worth all of the waiting and agony. Hang in there!

Sea Star said...

I hit the, "OMG, could this possibly be happening and am I crazy?" feelings. I think that everything you are feeling is completely normal and all the fear and doubt will be replaced with joy and anticipation after you see the face of Tate. We're in for a long month.....

Shannon said...

Still terrified. =) But loving (almost) every minute of it! HUGS.

Tana said...

Lisa,

Don't be scared. You've been gearing up for this and preparing in countless ways your whole life. You will do great! You have all the skills you need to be a great mom, plus you have friends and family for your cheerleaders.

Everyone else is right - it's normal to get a little jittery (heck, I still do, and look at me!) but you'll hit the ground running and have a wonderful life!

Christi and Abbey said...

Hi Lisa,
Just have to chime in and say that you are feeling what so many have felt. We were all thinking, "what am I doing?" too! All that will fade away with the joy that it coming into your world soon. It's going to be so wonderful and your only thought will be what it I hadn't gone through with this...and that will be unthinkable.
Now I've seen alot of nesting projects, but I think your hardwood floors have everyone beat. I'd say you are in full prep for baby mode now.
All our love and support is with you however you feel in the next two months. We just can't wait to see that blessed little face one your blog.

Lesley Gustavson Kite said...

Lisa-
You have always been one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. It was always sucha treat for you to be at our family parties! You have sucha AMAZING presence of wonderful and sweetness that I KNOW you will be an AMAZING Mommy. Tate is soooo very lucky! And becoming a Mommy is sooo overwhelming, but the tender touch and loving gaze of your baby makes everything all better and soooo worth it! Don't worry, your Mommy instincts will kick in and you'll know just what to do! I couldn't even take care of myself when I got pregnant and when my sweet angel came to me, everything just fell into place and I have a happy wonderful little boy who I am very proud of! Even if everything else falls apart, you'll always have each other :) LOVE YOU!!! XoXo