Monday, June 12, 2006

FIRST OF SERIES

This is a posting that is the beginning of the story of my journey to adopt TATE. I will post these in installments in the order which they occured last year. I have not shared this with too many out there in BLOGGER internet land. And I am some what worried that I just might expose too much of my personal side to who knows may be reading this. However, I am writing this as a way for me to figure out and remind me why I am choosing to adopt at my age and singleness.


DOUBT
I am starting to DOUBT my decision to adopt. I have been struggling with this thought during the past few weeks. Today in the mail I received a quilt square and wish that made me stop and remember why…. It was from Drea from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

“Your life began across the sea but fate and destiny knew what was meant to be. A wish was made for you to be loved and that voice was heard from GOD above.”

One year ago this month, I started the serious search for a single slot for my adoption from China. If you are single then you know about the struggle just getting the go ahead to start your paper chase. I am not sure if those married couples really know now lucky they are being able to decide to adopt and calling ANY agency to start the process. Singles have to contact TONS of agencies asking if they have a single slot. Most agencies do not have immediate openings for singles. The next step is to ask if they are accepting application accompanied by the UNREFUNDABLE deposit of money in the hopes that there will be openings within the next few months or year. Some agencies I contacted would not even accept applications and some said that they could help me in early 2007….. TWO THOUSAND FRICKIN’ SEVEN!!!!! Just to start the paper chase. This is the time that CCAA decided to place age restrictions on adoption and I was looking at turning 50 in MARCH of 2007….. I knew that I really did not have too much time to be waiting around.

I have always had a certain spiritualness within me…. I love and appreciate NATURE and can sense God in the world. I am touched by other’s stories of faith and blessings but somehow these blessing just eluded me…. Or so I thought. I felt that God had forgotten me in my life….the blessing of the only thing I really wanted and that was a family of my own…. Mainly CHILDREN. I had been in a long term relationship and somehow hoped that things would work out with this guy….. but LACK OF COMMITMENT . And I found myself alone and in my mid-late forties and looking at a life where I would love and share and enjoy my nieces and nephews but not have children of my own. Kind of sad and something that I really didn’t look forward to… but seemed to be my lot in life…..

Others around me were adopting children from China…. But in my mind I would think I should do this but it was a fleeting thought. Until one day I felt a baby in my life. I felt her spirit and I knew that I needed to push forward to go get this baby…. that was meant to be with me…. Prayer confirmed my need to adopt and from CHINA. So the search started…..

10 comments:

Samantha said...

I totally understand where you are coming from! I think it is natural to have doubts! I am 37 soon to be 38 and I get freaked out on occasion. I didn't neet my husband until 33 and all of my friends were married with children around age 19. I have two step sons 9 & 12. I worry that I am crazy for adopting but I have always wanted children and to be a Mom! My plan if I didn't get married was to do what you are doing! Like you I really feel like it is meant to be! Nice Post!

Stephanie said...

This is such a long and frustrating process, that I can totally understand your feelings of doubt. I too worry that we aren't doing the right thing at the right tim, but only hope and pray that things work out how they are meant to be. Thank you for being so honest.

Shannon S said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Lisa. I've had some tough moments of self-doubt lately and had a person I thought was supportive indicate that she was against international adoption. This long wait is giving us too much time to question what we've gone over in our heads and hearts many times before! Maybe writing it down will *show* us we are on the right path! Looking forward to your next posts.

Joannah said...

Lisa, I've had a similar experience. There were several sentences in this post that I could have written! I'm glad you acted on that voice inside you.

Ava Baby said...

I've always believed that one way or another, I'd be a mom. The process definitely has been made a bit harder and longer being single but I'm still so glad that I moved forward. I think it is only natural to question the "big plan" when there is delay after delay and the process seems never ending. But then I see photos of other families with their beautiful daughters and I'm back on track. I enjoy your site.
Michele
LID 9/26

Donna & Joe said...

Lisa, I'm glad you're sharing this with your bloggy friends. I think it's natural to question your decision, especially when you are given so much darn time to question it. I think if you didn't question it and get clarity once in a while that just wouldn't be normal.

Even though life has lead you down the road to being single for now, doesn't mean that you aren't meant to pursue your calling to be a mother. I think that anyone who reads your blog for any length of time knows that you are definitely meant to be a momma and to have a daughter named Tate.

Stephe said...

Lisa, I commend you on sharing your most inner thoughts. As I read your words I was wondering how you know ME so well. I don't share my inner most feelings much. Not with family or friends and definately not on my blog. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I have a hard time articulating my feelings. You and other bloggers like you, are like therapy to me. I can just read posts and know that they get me, even if they don't even know who I am. Now, to some people, that might sound sad, but it's not, really. So, I just want to say Thank you for sharing.

The word "doubt" has entered my mind a hundred times this week and it's only Tuesday. Could you possible be a member of SAC?

I only know you from the cyber world but I can tell that you were meant to be a mom and you will be an exceptional one at that! Just ask Mesa!

Melissa said...

First of all, LOVE the new look. I just purchased a new template - waiting on the install.
Second, the more I get to "know" you, the more I like you. I value honesty sooo much, and you my friend, are one honest mama. Can't wait to meet you on the flip side and give you a BIG hug.
(we better meet in China with our LID's only being one day apart!!!)
Third, I believe mothers are THE STRONGEST people on this earth. There is no greater bond - the most protective instinct. And single mothers - forget it - the strongest of the strongest!!!

Anonymous said...

For those of you who don't know Lisa in person, you're in for a real treat if you get to meet up with her in China (or elsewhere). :o) I've known her since I was 20 (I'm now 35) and ever since we became friends, I knew of Lisa's desire to be a mom. (In fact, may I remind you Lisa that you used to talk about adopting twin African American BOYS?) Hee hee!

Anyway, Lisa will be a great momma. She's the kind of person who sets goals and doesn't let anyone deter her from them, even at great personal sacrifice (like working two jobs!) She's overcome many things to get to this point and she deserves to finally have this great happiness in her life. We're all rooting for her and still have high hopes that Mr. Right will come along with a deep love for her, adorable Chinese baby girls and rambunctious 90 pound dogs. He'll be getting the greatest family a guy could hope for. :o)

Keep your chin up, Lisa, and keep on keepin' on. :o)

Giant hugs,

Tana

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. »