Wednesday, November 08, 2006

EMOTIONS

Got a lot of loc-e-motions.... Unsure if I should term it as just being tired, watching friends get referrals, traveling for babies or what??? EMOTIONS... Sometimes I just want to SIT on the couch and stare out into space. ZONE out. Eat chocolate. DO NOTHING!!!

I wonder if I have just kept my emotions intact under my skin all these years. I just go with the flow, bouncing from one emotional event after another. NEVER dealing.... always trying to please someone else and not myself. The journey (oh how I hate that expression, but it just seem to "Fit") has taken me out of my emotional void state into one of massive emotions.... I kind of like the way it feels to LIVE my feelings. I am maternal and have found it slightly satisfying to aid in the mothering of other people's children. I never even considered that I would be the one who will be mothering my own. A whole can of emotions has opened up with my decision to adopt. To mother. To love. To be needed.... by someone who is so very sweet and fragile, and so dependent as a young child.


One emotional day was had by me today. I have not figured out what to do with Tate when I work. I am in denial that I will have to place her into someone else's care while I bring home the bacon. I called a highly recommended day care today to get the 411 and place Tate on a 9 month waiting list. I was sooooo very impressed with the information that I was given by this place. The emotional part was when I was asked if my daughter had a name..... So far Tate has been as fluid as air. Just a name that I use to represent my plans, my daughter. Suddenly when asked if this child, who is being put on a waiting list, has a name.... I gasped and said, choking back tears... "Tate and my last name". She is matter. She is substance. SHE is holding a spot on a list for her education.

My Tate, my daughter.

12 comments:

Julie said...

And a lucky girl she will be to end up with such an amazing mother.

Emotions have/will get me too. Hugs.

wzgirl said...

Wow. These things just come in waves sometimes, don't they?? XO

Melissa said...

Boy, I must be an emotional wreck today also, because your post made me cry. Really cry.
Now I have to say it too.
My daughter is Ava.

Joannah said...

I would be emotional about that, too!

Anonymous said...

Can I still call her baby Li for daycare? I know it would help if I had a name....I just like too many names and I am unwilling to commit. The emotions have gotten to me too. In fact....I shouldn't even be reading your blog site as I said to myself I need a break from the adoption stuff....too long of a wait at this point. I couldn't sleep so here I am. Tate will be very lucky to have you as a mom!

Leanne

Donna said...

It is very difficult to make arrangements for someone else to watch your child before you even have her. But it's the responsible thing to do as a single parent. You're fortunate to have found a place you like and feel comfortable with.

It can be an emotional moment when someone asks what your daughter's name is...go ahead and get choked up!

Doris & Dan said...

Small things make them seem so tangible to us.

Keep smilin!

Kristen said...

I find that when I even mention Julia to strangers I get so emotional.. it makes it seem so overwhelminly real, my family is so used to "her" that its when i'm around strangers that I have those feelings all over again!

What a big step though!!! Tate has a GREAT mommy!!

Krista said...

What really gets me is when OTHER people refer to her by name. That gets me choked up...

Very sweet post. Thanks for sharing. I think we can all relate.

Donna & Joe said...

Lisa, I totally understand what you mean about your emotions. Lately, I've had a hard time focusing at work and concentrating on tasks....my mind keeps wandering to Lauren and all things adoption.

I love referral time of the month and I love seeing all the photos come in, but I do notice that my emotions get the best of me at this time of month. It's not really in a sad way...it's actually very hard to describe and I really think only other waiting mommas can truly relate.

Hang in there Lisa, you will be an amazing Mom and the fact that you are having these emotions just proves that.

Donna :)

Shannon S said...

I imagine the holidays will be especially hard, too. Well, this year BETTER be the last without our little sweet 'ums!

M3 (Mary-Mia) said...

LOVE that last line. Just love it. Your daughter. Sounds so beautiful.

Huge hugs,
M3